Is that your final answer?

'Oh God, I'm so sorry.' It is the most common thing people say to us now, followed by 'I can't imagine what you are going through.' And their right, they can't. I couldn't, I could have never imagined this. I want to take back every time I have ever said to someone, I can imagine what you're going through, because so very honestly I can't. Even if you and I went through the same exact thing it would never be the same. How I respond, how I feel, how I rationalize, those are all my reactions and you may not feel the same so to say I can't imagine what you are going through is false because I can't. I cannot imagine how it is for a close friend of mine who fractured her foot. Her fracture is identical to the one I had but her pain is not the same, her reaction is not the same, her burden is different. So similar and so very different. So if you know me and I have ever said to you, I can imagine what you're going through then please accept my most humble apology because I now realize that I cannot.

Saturday my roommate took me out for a out of the house test run. He treated me to a haircut, I told the nice lady that I needed something different so she gave me a type of bob that after some getting use to I love it, it has to be the shortest my hair has been in at lest ten years if not longer. With something so tragic happening I wanted normal but I wanted vastly different. She used moose and everything, things I have decided that I will learn how to use because that looks a hell of a lot better then what it normally looks like. It was pleasant and needed. We went to the food store after and my ambition got the better of me to much walking proved to be painful and exhausting, I was anxious to leave and found myself short of temper with the clerk so I took my leave to sit and wait for my roommate to finish with him so we could go home and I back to my couch. 

I was still in a lot of pain but I don't get paid if I don't go back to work so I went back on Sunday. Less then a week from my surgery but I didn't really have a choice, we (barely) live paycheck to paycheck and I just lost an entire weeks pay and it is going to hurt but we will get through it like we always do, those are my husbands words not mine, but he is always right about that. Sunday came quick and early, I wake at 6 am to be at work before 7:30. Every morning I clock in, I put my stuff away in my locker, I take my coffee to my office and I turn on my music and I would dive into the first half of my job. I could not walk at the determined pace I was use to, I had my coffee but did not down is as quickly as I normally did, it took much longer to do anything including collect my thoughts and for the first time in a very long time my office was silent. 

Music to is lifeblood to me, I have loved it since I was a child and my Father played Black Sabbath, Kansas, Journey, George Thorogood, Foghat, Janis Joplin.... I am sure you get the picture. My Mother had her hand in it as well, she played me the Monkees, Disco Duck and classical music. Some I knew once said, Music is what Emotions sound like. It is one of the truest things I have ever heard. So for me to not listen to music is to tell all around me that I am without even a sliver of joy. Music is my hope and joy and I wanted none of it because it all made me even more sorrowful then I already was.

One of my bosses asked me how I was holding up and I could only respond that I wasn't at all, he wasn't surprised and I felt reassured by that. My job (I work retail) drags me all through out my store and commands much of my mind as it does my body. I am proud of my job and my work. I enjoy what I do, it allows me to lead and follow where I am comfortable. So I was unhappy that I cannot wear proper dress code because I cannot wear any pants that put pressure on my pelvic area. I cannot move fast enough to assist customers. I cannot preform my tasks in a timely manner and I need help with so much. Worst of all I could not manage a full five hour shift which is all I work. I had to leave 45 minuets early because I was in so much pain that sitting was caused gasps and whimpers and the pain medication wasn't curbing the pain enough.

I felt ashamed leaving which I am sure some find odd, I am still healing and should probably not be at work in the first place. This was the first hint that something was still wrong, it has been nearly a week and my pain was still very intense. Sunday night something very gross and very painful happened proving my point and that I most likely had a post operation infection. 

When it rains it pours.