I don't understand the question

On Monday I had a D&C Surgery. No I won't explain it to you but I will give you a moment to click on the link and read it. 

Go ahead, I'll wait

I know its a long read but it is full of information and I thank you for taking the time to read it.

Now I could easily assume that anyone reading this will automatically know what happened but in the far off chance that you have stumbled upon this small entry of an unknown blog I will give some background pertaining to my situation so you understand. 

I am married over a year to the most wonderful man and I don't just say that perchance he reads this. I live in a two bedroom apartment with him and my best friend Andy. I have had reproductive problems for about 10 years now along with other medical issues. I am, at the moment, 31 but only for a few more months. I am part time employed in an hourly wage position, I also run Laughing Maidens and write.  

One month ago my husband and I were celebrating something we didn't think could possibly happen. We made plans and as usual he was grounded and my head was in the clouds of happiness and terror. I cannot explain the terror if you have personally never felt it but it is akin to going into your first day at school and sitting in your first class, having a huge test on the ancient history of japan leading up to today, in Japanese ( read and write ) and you can barely spell sushi correctly, oh and if you don't ace this test you will be expelled from school and never amount to anything. That is about half of the terror I felt but there was a lot of joy and that I couldn't explain if I tried not that I want to. If you have ever had a child you so truly wanted then you know it already.

We will skip ahead to March 8th which is easily a day I won't forget. A day I felt something I hadn't felt since my father passed away when I was 22. 

At about 9 weeks we had our first ultrasound. All I wanted was to hear the heartbeat, nothing would have made it more real for me in that moment but I was wrong. The tech did some pictures and sent the doctor in. She was more friendly but not very warm but none of that mattered. She dug in deep and on the little screen to my left pointed out the head. I cried, I didn't know what else to do. It was real, it was really real and right in front of me and I could see it there. My baby, I did that, we did that. It was less the a minuet later when she turned on the heartbeat monitor and tried so hard to find something that wasn't there. The baby passed away, no more then a day maybe two. 

I cannot tell you how that feels and I hope you never find out.

She left and I wanted so much, so more then anything for my husband to tell me she could be wrong but that is not what he said. I really don't remember very much from there, the doctor came back in and told us to go up to our doctors office, he took me up there and I nearly crumbled... no I think I did crumble in the hallway back to her office to talk. An ob/gyn in the office, not mine, explained so many times that it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong. Everyone has been telling me that and I don't believe a single one of them. Rationally I know different but there is nothing rational about this. She asked if I had any questions and all I wanted to do was go home. So I asked he what now. She explained the steps, I had to get my blood taken in case of hemorrhaging. She asked if I wanted this to be done in the office or I wanted to be put under in the OR room. I chose the OR, I had to there is no way I would have made it if I were awake, expense be damned something inside of me would have broke. My husband sat through everything, talking, asking, understanding, planning. This was Friday, I was going in on Monday. She even said the it would have been excruciating to do this naturally and inhuman since it could have taken a week or more. 

Now I am sure some of you are sitting there asking me why am I putting myself through this, why in the hell am I recounting every single detail publicly when I claim this to be so painful. It is painful, most of this is through tears and something inside of me has been breaking for days. However type it or not please do not mistake one very important thing, I have replayed this event, in my head, every single day. I can tell you what pocket her cell phone was in, I can describe the courtyard outside the window and the picture to my left in the office. I can tell you how full their waiting room was, I can point out the nurse who took my blood and tell you the story she told me. I can tell you all of these things and anyone will tell you I have the worst memory, I can't remember phone numbers, birthdays, addresses, this I can tell you everything. So with or without you reading this, all of this would still happen.

We went to have my blood drawn, he called his mother and I knew he did before he even told me because I could see it in his face. My wonderful gentle giant of a husband never shows much emotion in front of people, he had cried and this warmed and broke my heart at the same time. A miserable thing to say I am sure, he always puts on such a strong face for me and braves whatever we go through, he is so literally my rock that I was happy his Mom could do what a Mom is suppose to do and let him be broken and hurt if just for a moment. 

Trying to keep on a brave face didn't work, the nurse taking my blood informed me she was diagnosed with cancer just this past December and I would get through what ever I was going through. I felt horrible for her and I knew then, and know now, that it could be much worse. Actually people can't stop expressing that to me and I have a response that I have kept politely to myself.

We know. I promise you all we know it could be worse and we know it will eventually get better but for the love of deity back off. Telling us this daily will not make it better time will, I understand that everyone is trying to show their support but this is really the lest supportive thing you can say right now. Also the next person who says we should start moving on may be written off. Its incredibly insensitive, it hasn't even been a week since my surgery. Give us hugs, tell us you love us or even that you understand but I implore you to stop trying to make us feel better, you are only making us feel worse. We will move on from this at our pace and if a year from now I am not in therapy and crumbling all over you then pipe up but for now enough.

Now that I have that off my chest. If I've offended you I honestly don't care. That came from a place of me needed to heal and not a place of me trying to feel better for your sake.

A friend came over on Saturday with ice cream and we talked, we talked about all of the dumbest things I could think of, anything besides the one thing I couldn't stop thinking of. I tried to hide some of the anger that I felt, I carried it for three days knowing that there was nothing I could do and that created a rage in me that I had not felt in a very long time nor something I wanted to feel again.

I tried to tell people without telling people, I tried to explain without saying the most painful words that would come out of my mouth for years to come. I lost the baby, the baby passed away. Even know it instantly numbs me when I talk about it, I can feel my body and brain shut down. 

I am doing this because I have to, I don't know why I have to but I do. So I will leave it there for now. My first day back to work starts in 6 hours and even if I feel I will never have another unmediated night of rest again I must try.