So how do you go about not feeling punished in all of this? How do you go through this not feeling at fault? Here is the answer, there isn't. No matter what I do, think, say or read in the end it feels like there has to be something I could have done. Sometimes I wonder if my husband feels the same or if he simply feels cheated or slighted. I know someone will want to give me a line like, 'Oh well that's life!' forgive me but screw you. If you don't know how this feels and I pray you don't, that is not an acceptable answer. We ask why for so many things but for once I'd like a damned answer.
A very nice girl wheeled me out of the hospital after my husband helped me get dressed. I would like to insert a joke about him being as good putting my bra on as taking it off but my mind isn't there yet. The girl whom wheeled me out told me she was a volunteer from a local high school. She was sweet and wheeled me all the way out to the car where my adoring husband helped me into the car. He picked up my medication and whisked me off to a lovely couch where I stayed all night.
I was in agony, he tracked when I could take my pills, got me anything I asked for which was mostly applesauce, milk, pain pills and assistance going to the bathroom. The first time I could get down but he had to help me get back up, that was pretty embarrassing, even if he is my husband. Like always he was amazing, he took the best care of me possible. He told me everything was going to be ok and I wished I could believe him but hard to see the forest from the trees. I don't feel like I'm going to be ok. I've spent a week wondering if I can even handle trying to get pregnant again, what if this happens again? What if I can't get pregnant again and that was my chance? What if I can never make my husband a father? Something he wants more then anything in the world......
The doctor called me the first night and seemed surprised that I was in so much pain. I took my anti-anxiety pills and tried to sleep but mostly I just have nightmares. I don't want to talk about those right now. I woke up and the next day was the same, I lay on the couch and husband and roommate take care of me. Wednesday was more of the same, husband came home early after his first day back to work. Either Tuesday or Wednesday is when he helped me take my first bath which was more embarrassing then needing help off the toilet. I even told him I was embarrassed, he told me I was silly. I understand its silly but needing someone else that much is more then I have ever dealt with and as much as I love that my husband will always be there for me and help me needing him to help me wash my hair (I am aware that is minor compared) on top of everything it was still much. He did do a very good job on my hair.
The pain brought on the constant reminder of what had happened. I was going to be a mother and then I wasn't. Husband works for a baby story and brought me home a free bib that says Babies First Christmas. My roommate did something with it as well as taking care of the two positive pregnancy tests I saved (I have an amazing roommate). Worse is my husband has to go to work and see all of these babies things and I am sure it was easier when I wasn't getting pregnant but he has to walk past the cribs I liked, the bath I asked about, the stroller he wanted. These are no longer products that he sells, they were items his child was going to sleep in, play with. Can you imagine being in his shoes because I can't, I can't and be as supportive and strong as him. I would crumble and break.
You are amazing and I love you my heart.
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