Stress much?

So lets talk about stress. Because stress sucks and as much as people like to explain constantly that stress is all you letting external influences get to you and only you can cause yourself stress that doesn't make it any better does it? As true as it is that statement doesn't help. It doesn't silence the demands from your boss, screaming kids, bills, dogs eating the trash, how much money you don't make, dishes, laundry, chores chores chores, don't forget family or that petty argument you are currently having with your significant other/roommate/best friend.

Stress comes in so many forms and our body responds in just as many forums. After the surgery anything would stress me out, the tiniest argument at work, my boss merely venting, a customer getting snappy and pop there goes a panic attack. Now I am handling my stress better but there are still signs that I am over stressed and in desperate need of relaxation. Now as a kid no one taught me how to properly deal with anger and stress so I would take my feelings out on any unsuspecting anything that happened by me, but I realized how out of control I really was so I spent a very long time trying to control my stress/anger and I have been very successful in not flying off the handle for little to no reason. I have outlets for it, video games, zoning out to Netflix shows or random anime, wine lots and lots of wine. However now I realize that no one taught me how to relax! Of course a good manicure and pedicure will do the trick but in all honesty not many of us have the money to spend on something like that as often as we'd need to and if we can't afford that forget massages or spa visits!

That is a goal, relaxing at home, spending as little money doing so as possible. Having wine with friends is cheaper but not always something I can enjoy. A relaxing bath does not work, I live in an apartment, my bath isn't that large and my bathroom isn't that relaxing. Video games can be as stressful as relaxing.

So I have to wonder what some of you do to relax. How does the rest of the world de-stress or are you still looking for a way to de-stress? What have you tried, why did work and what was a total fail? You don't have to provide any details you don't feel comfortable with.

I do miss yoga and tai chi, those were both very relaxing but there is something more relaxing about doing it in a studio rather then in my living room with a DVD and yoga classes are very expensive.

I hope you all are having less stressful day then me :)

But we......

So I have to back peddle a little bit to explain a few things. I won't go into to much terrible detail about all of it but there is a bit of a time line.

When I was 21 they found out I had HPV and because of an unfortunate pap I had a few years earlier I was terrified of seeing the OB/Gyn (the speculum wasn't put in properly, causing it to slip, it was extremely painful) of course after the painful testing they found out I was pre-cancer, meaning I had climbed up all the stages of severity in HPV and was near screwed. Thanks to some awesome doctors and people who know how to work the system I got my surgery with no insurance and with assistance most of it was paid off by the state, the rest I had some help with. This was my first surgery, a LEEP Cone Biopsy, it was painful and the recovery was a year long with constant tests to make sure they got it all. Because of this surgery I have a very sensitive uterus (I know you were dying to know that) and all tests since then that touched my cervix have been a lot more painful then they should be.

That was before I met my wonderful loving husband. 

After I met my loving husband it seemed my body would test him. I started having tremendous pain with my cycle, now believed to be endometriosis and I have 3 out of the 4 pain symptoms, I had a lot of people who didn't believe me because it causes me near constant pain. The naive response most people give me is that it can't be endometriosis due to the fact that my pain exceeded the limits of my hormones and cycle where my pain should be, not to mention that my condition didn't want to respond the way they wanted it to when I was given medication. Because of this I was made to go through painful and expensive tests that I had to pay for to prove that I wasn't wrong or lying about my pain. 

During these tests they did not find a sign of endometriosis because it cannot be seen in any test outside of surgery. I did learn to fear the words 'But We' ...... We didn't find the cause of the pain But We found... well first they found gallstones, then they figured I had Fibromyalgia and that medication changed me in many ways. During a scope they found GERD and a hiatal hernia that medication doesn't bother me so much unless I don't take it then its impossible to do anything. During this time period I developed sever migraines and I don't like that medication either. Another exam lead to finding a benign granuloma on my liver, I have to have an MRI every 6 months to ensure that it doesn't grow in size, if it does then that requires surgery. Liver surgery is a pretty sensitive issue and that doctor (you don't want to know how many doctors I have at this point) does not want to do that unless it is absolutely necessary. This is all within a five year period of time and during all this time every time I had my cycle I was unbearable pain and not during my cycle I had moments of unbearable pain. 

My poor husband has spent more time taking care of me then not for the majority of our relationship. At this point we are going on 8 years and he has been caring for me, taking me to doctors, tests and emergency rooms for more then half our relationship. Not to mention seeing the pain, the reaction to medications and frustration at not finding an answer. When we finally went to see a reproductive endocrinologist who looked at me and all of my symptoms and said 'You have Endometriosis' which is the one thing we didn't hear in all of the years because they couldn't confirm and the couldn't confirm without surgery and they didn't want to do surgery because they felt it unnecessary which drove us insane. So I sat down and my first meeting with this doctor he says, sure I diagnose you, ever doctor since has accepted it. He wants us to get pregnant because surgery will cause scar tissue. Scar tissue will make pregnancy harder and pregnancy might wipe the reproductive slate clean so to speak.

My husband and I haven't been protected since we got married, we figured it would happen if it happened (I also couldn't be on the pill due to the granuloma) so he wanted to find out why I wasn't pregnant already. So the very expensive tests started and with it came stress. We finally stopped seeing him because we couldn't afford it anymore and the stress was killing me. Not long after that decision we got pregnant and that brings us back to the first post of this blog.

What should I do?

So today is the day I decide to get a therapist right? Nope! My insurance website is extremely out of date and when I called them about it they told me it was up to the provider to update their information on the website and the best I can really do is get a list of names and call them to verify them. That is going to be a very long process that isn't going to be fun. I was able to leave a message with one number that was actually correct and hope that I get a call back tho she might not currently be accepting patients in her local office. I was hoping find this was going to cause less stress but its proving to cause me more issues then I'd like. I will keep trying, I am sure I will find someone close who accepts my insurance. 

So today I want to talk about my decision to have a D&C, I have been looking around on some forums and I see a common question from women who encounter a similar issue, what should I do? The doctor is going to give a list of options that they feel are best. My doctor gave me a similar list of options and she was very honest with me, I had two choices, the natural way and a D&C and the doctor wanted me to have the D&C. She told me that it could take weeks (even over a month) for the miscarriage to happen naturally. She told me it can be extremely painful, it could come with complications and most of all it will be emotional torture. Two and a half days was torture, weeks would have been horrifying. Also, afterwards I read several forum posts from women whom had gone through the natural course and everything they described was indeed labor, one woman up to two months later. My husband had to practically carry me after I found out the news, there is no way I would have survived any of that, he agreed. ( I also want to point out here that we could barely afford the week I took off for the surgery and it has been a struggle, I work part time so I didn't get paid for not being there, not to mention waiting around for it to happen. What if I was at work when it started? What if I had to call out of work? What if any complications happened at home. A lot of what ifs and I could have been out a lot longer then a week. )

Then she gave us the option to have it done in the office or to go into the operating room. She explained that in the office I would be awake the entire time during the procedure and that in the OR I would be out and not remember anything. I opted not to remember anything, I wouldn't emotionally make it if I were awake, this whole thing was horrifying enough that I couldn't imagine being awake for the D&C. My husband agreed. 

I don't regret anything that I did or any decision we made, it was the best decision for us. I honestly think that this isn't something you can really ask someone else, I think that it is one of those things that only you can decide upon. Get as much information as you can and talk to your doctor. Make the decision that is best for you. It's all painful, its all messy, it will all be a new level of hell but in the end it is your choice.