Stress much?

So lets talk about stress. Because stress sucks and as much as people like to explain constantly that stress is all you letting external influences get to you and only you can cause yourself stress that doesn't make it any better does it? As true as it is that statement doesn't help. It doesn't silence the demands from your boss, screaming kids, bills, dogs eating the trash, how much money you don't make, dishes, laundry, chores chores chores, don't forget family or that petty argument you are currently having with your significant other/roommate/best friend.

Stress comes in so many forms and our body responds in just as many forums. After the surgery anything would stress me out, the tiniest argument at work, my boss merely venting, a customer getting snappy and pop there goes a panic attack. Now I am handling my stress better but there are still signs that I am over stressed and in desperate need of relaxation. Now as a kid no one taught me how to properly deal with anger and stress so I would take my feelings out on any unsuspecting anything that happened by me, but I realized how out of control I really was so I spent a very long time trying to control my stress/anger and I have been very successful in not flying off the handle for little to no reason. I have outlets for it, video games, zoning out to Netflix shows or random anime, wine lots and lots of wine. However now I realize that no one taught me how to relax! Of course a good manicure and pedicure will do the trick but in all honesty not many of us have the money to spend on something like that as often as we'd need to and if we can't afford that forget massages or spa visits!

That is a goal, relaxing at home, spending as little money doing so as possible. Having wine with friends is cheaper but not always something I can enjoy. A relaxing bath does not work, I live in an apartment, my bath isn't that large and my bathroom isn't that relaxing. Video games can be as stressful as relaxing.

So I have to wonder what some of you do to relax. How does the rest of the world de-stress or are you still looking for a way to de-stress? What have you tried, why did work and what was a total fail? You don't have to provide any details you don't feel comfortable with.

I do miss yoga and tai chi, those were both very relaxing but there is something more relaxing about doing it in a studio rather then in my living room with a DVD and yoga classes are very expensive.

I hope you all are having less stressful day then me :)

But we......

So I have to back peddle a little bit to explain a few things. I won't go into to much terrible detail about all of it but there is a bit of a time line.

When I was 21 they found out I had HPV and because of an unfortunate pap I had a few years earlier I was terrified of seeing the OB/Gyn (the speculum wasn't put in properly, causing it to slip, it was extremely painful) of course after the painful testing they found out I was pre-cancer, meaning I had climbed up all the stages of severity in HPV and was near screwed. Thanks to some awesome doctors and people who know how to work the system I got my surgery with no insurance and with assistance most of it was paid off by the state, the rest I had some help with. This was my first surgery, a LEEP Cone Biopsy, it was painful and the recovery was a year long with constant tests to make sure they got it all. Because of this surgery I have a very sensitive uterus (I know you were dying to know that) and all tests since then that touched my cervix have been a lot more painful then they should be.

That was before I met my wonderful loving husband. 

After I met my loving husband it seemed my body would test him. I started having tremendous pain with my cycle, now believed to be endometriosis and I have 3 out of the 4 pain symptoms, I had a lot of people who didn't believe me because it causes me near constant pain. The naive response most people give me is that it can't be endometriosis due to the fact that my pain exceeded the limits of my hormones and cycle where my pain should be, not to mention that my condition didn't want to respond the way they wanted it to when I was given medication. Because of this I was made to go through painful and expensive tests that I had to pay for to prove that I wasn't wrong or lying about my pain. 

During these tests they did not find a sign of endometriosis because it cannot be seen in any test outside of surgery. I did learn to fear the words 'But We' ...... We didn't find the cause of the pain But We found... well first they found gallstones, then they figured I had Fibromyalgia and that medication changed me in many ways. During a scope they found GERD and a hiatal hernia that medication doesn't bother me so much unless I don't take it then its impossible to do anything. During this time period I developed sever migraines and I don't like that medication either. Another exam lead to finding a benign granuloma on my liver, I have to have an MRI every 6 months to ensure that it doesn't grow in size, if it does then that requires surgery. Liver surgery is a pretty sensitive issue and that doctor (you don't want to know how many doctors I have at this point) does not want to do that unless it is absolutely necessary. This is all within a five year period of time and during all this time every time I had my cycle I was unbearable pain and not during my cycle I had moments of unbearable pain. 

My poor husband has spent more time taking care of me then not for the majority of our relationship. At this point we are going on 8 years and he has been caring for me, taking me to doctors, tests and emergency rooms for more then half our relationship. Not to mention seeing the pain, the reaction to medications and frustration at not finding an answer. When we finally went to see a reproductive endocrinologist who looked at me and all of my symptoms and said 'You have Endometriosis' which is the one thing we didn't hear in all of the years because they couldn't confirm and the couldn't confirm without surgery and they didn't want to do surgery because they felt it unnecessary which drove us insane. So I sat down and my first meeting with this doctor he says, sure I diagnose you, ever doctor since has accepted it. He wants us to get pregnant because surgery will cause scar tissue. Scar tissue will make pregnancy harder and pregnancy might wipe the reproductive slate clean so to speak.

My husband and I haven't been protected since we got married, we figured it would happen if it happened (I also couldn't be on the pill due to the granuloma) so he wanted to find out why I wasn't pregnant already. So the very expensive tests started and with it came stress. We finally stopped seeing him because we couldn't afford it anymore and the stress was killing me. Not long after that decision we got pregnant and that brings us back to the first post of this blog.

What should I do?

So today is the day I decide to get a therapist right? Nope! My insurance website is extremely out of date and when I called them about it they told me it was up to the provider to update their information on the website and the best I can really do is get a list of names and call them to verify them. That is going to be a very long process that isn't going to be fun. I was able to leave a message with one number that was actually correct and hope that I get a call back tho she might not currently be accepting patients in her local office. I was hoping find this was going to cause less stress but its proving to cause me more issues then I'd like. I will keep trying, I am sure I will find someone close who accepts my insurance. 

So today I want to talk about my decision to have a D&C, I have been looking around on some forums and I see a common question from women who encounter a similar issue, what should I do? The doctor is going to give a list of options that they feel are best. My doctor gave me a similar list of options and she was very honest with me, I had two choices, the natural way and a D&C and the doctor wanted me to have the D&C. She told me that it could take weeks (even over a month) for the miscarriage to happen naturally. She told me it can be extremely painful, it could come with complications and most of all it will be emotional torture. Two and a half days was torture, weeks would have been horrifying. Also, afterwards I read several forum posts from women whom had gone through the natural course and everything they described was indeed labor, one woman up to two months later. My husband had to practically carry me after I found out the news, there is no way I would have survived any of that, he agreed. ( I also want to point out here that we could barely afford the week I took off for the surgery and it has been a struggle, I work part time so I didn't get paid for not being there, not to mention waiting around for it to happen. What if I was at work when it started? What if I had to call out of work? What if any complications happened at home. A lot of what ifs and I could have been out a lot longer then a week. )

Then she gave us the option to have it done in the office or to go into the operating room. She explained that in the office I would be awake the entire time during the procedure and that in the OR I would be out and not remember anything. I opted not to remember anything, I wouldn't emotionally make it if I were awake, this whole thing was horrifying enough that I couldn't imagine being awake for the D&C. My husband agreed. 

I don't regret anything that I did or any decision we made, it was the best decision for us. I honestly think that this isn't something you can really ask someone else, I think that it is one of those things that only you can decide upon. Get as much information as you can and talk to your doctor. Make the decision that is best for you. It's all painful, its all messy, it will all be a new level of hell but in the end it is your choice. 

That was suppose to last how long?

So today has been a filled with one very long panic attack, a bad headache and a lot of undue stress. Most of the stress is brought on by myself. I keep having this odd panic attacks that I can't explain. I will be sitting at work and suddenly feel overwhelmed doing the same job I've been doing for over a year. Sometimes it is an intense feeling of panic or dread, sometimes its over excitement followed by twitching due to muscles tightening, sometimes I want so badly to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't make noise and sometimes its the normal chest pain, hard to breath almost like I am having a heart attack but know that I'm not. (Not my first panic attack)

I went to refill my anxiety medication today and they informed me that I took a 30 day supply in 10 days. If I want more then I really need to call my doctor to up my daily dosage or prescribe me something stronger. That was the last straw to tell me that I have to call and see an actual doctor about my metal state. Between the panic attacks, lack of sleeping or sleeping only when medicated and barely a desire to eat (I feel the need at times but I don't want to and even when I do eat I don't eat what I am suppose to as often as I should) the only thing that keeps me calm is my husband and he can't be with me all the time. 

We started talking about going to the Philadelphia Comic Con and as excited as I am to see many actors that could end in restraining orders I was instantly panicked at the thought of all those people and when my husband pressed about how much I should go just to do something fun I immediately felt pressured and lashed out at him when all he was trying to do was help. I told him that if I did go it might be best for him to go with me because I didn't want a friend to have to deal with trying to calm me down if I do get out of sorts. 

It being the day before Easter I won't be calling today, I will call the insurance hotline on Monday, inform them of the situation and see if they have some kind of list. My doctors office gave me the name of a doctor they recommend but I don't think she accepts my insurance. Typical huh? So hopefully they can help me. Trying to find my own doctor throws me into states of panic when trying to research reviews and specializations. 

As for the now, I am prepping for some friends and family to come over for a dinner that my wonderful husband is cooking. I bought myself some flowers today, did some food shopping and may go for a walk.... right after I eat something. 

Do you really want to?

So I would like to say there is a lot behind me, an in essence there is a great deal that is behind me in that as long as nothing else goes wrong with further testing. I am finally recovering nicely tho it appears to be more physical then emotional. Right now I appear to be dealing with a combination of anger, sadness and fear. All of them I am sure are perfectly normal emotions to have after dealing with this situation but they are still emotions I don't want to deal with at all, specially the anger.

 Anger has always been an issue for me when I was younger, I never learned how to properly deal with my anger and instead of handling it I would let it lash out at people and lose friendships because of it. One day I decided that I just didn't want to be this person anymore so I learned to meditate, I took some control tools from past therapist, I learned to let go of it when I felt it bubbling up. Walking away also helps. During my pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant, I got so made at a person that I was yelling and screaming over the phone as well as shaking like a leaf and crying horribly afterwords. Once I knew about the pregnancy I understood how my anger got so out of control so quickly very far from where I could reel it back in. My husband was so extremely patient about my outbursts and didn't take anything personally, He was just perfect about all of it. Now I feel that I should have my control back but I don't. 

When I'm out and about and I see a pregnant woman, a child running around, walk past baby products I find myself more sad then anything else, that is when I most truly feel a sense of lose because it is right there in front of me. Babies break my heart. 

When I am watching television and see a baby commercial, or one of my favorite colors brings their baby on screen or finds out they are pregnant I tear up for sadness and anger. I also feel a lot of anger when I hear about someone having their fifth child, or some person whom the state has taken another child away from due to their habits. Even baby commercials will fill me with a sense of anger. Why them, why not me, and even not me why him. If you have ever seen him with children you would understand. He is amazing with kids in a way that I am so envious of. 

The fear comes when I think about trying again. I don't want to go through this and I don't want to put him through this again. They said just because it happened this once doesn't mean it will happen again but they don't know. As I am sure I've stated before my family hasn't had the best history and luck. There are days when I think this would be a good idea and then there are days when I think it might break me completely and the biggest fear of all is that as strong as we are we won't make it through this again. If I break worse then its unfair to ask him to pick up all of my pieces and put me back together. 

So there it is, anger, fear, sadness and of course love. I am counting all the blessing I have. I am thankful but some days your blessing are a shelter and some days they are a flimsy umbrella against an oncoming storm. I hope this monsoon passes quickly. 

So many questions

Friday morning came, we went to the hospital and had my blood taken as early as we could, I took a look at the order and she must have written STAT on there at lest 5 times. (Which is just a fancy Latin way, from the word Statim, of staying immediately) He took me for coffee and pastries and we went home to wait. We tried to take a nap, waking up that early and rushing around takes a toll on your day off from work. My nap didn't last long, I was woken up by a phone call of bad news and money that I didn't have. Nothing to terrible just another bill and bit of stress to add onto the already stressed day I was having. Not going back to sleep I sat in the living room playing Pinball games on our Xbox 360 until my husband woke up and then merely watched TV with him. I took several anxiety pills through out the day just to keep myself calm enough to make it till after 4 pm. 

Finally after 4 arrived and after waiting on hold seemingly forever they came on the phone and told me that my levels had dropped by 200 points since Monday and that was good news. I want to say a weight was lifted off me at this wonderful news but it wasn't. It was indeed good news that I won't need more surgery but I knew this still wasn't over. This news wasn't going to make everything magically okay, it was just taking one stressful thing from an already screwed situation. I expressed some concern at some feelings I was have with the surgical area, the Doctor called me back and reminded me that there could still be swelling and such from the surgery but it was nothing to worry about and if it continued I should come in for an exam. She was right so I calmed down and after a few days that feeling went away. As well I still am going back in mid April for a checkup and conversation. 

I haven't talked to a doctor since. I still have a bruise in my arm from the last time they drew blood. I am moving a lot better then I was but I am not perfect yet. I actually tried to hard to clean my living room one day and put myself in a lot of pain that took two days to recover. I remembered baby steps because I didn't just put myself in pain I brought on all of the memories of why I was in pain. Of course this happened the first weekend my husband was away so I was pretty much on my own. I broke myself for a night, mentally and physically. I recalled every single moment in my head as I did here but I did it far more quickly. So after I cleaned as much as I could I sat in my bathroom and cried, I'm really not sure how long I was in there, I left the lights off and pressed my head against the tile and cried. After awhile I convinced myself to get up, eat something, take my medication and come on here and write something and after a few moments that is exactly what I convinced myself to do. I had applesauce for dinner, I took two generic prescription pain pills and I laid in bed with my laptop typing. 

I still can't sleep without medication and the panic attacks are not under control like I wish they were. Even a feeling of being pushed or overwhelmed ever so slightly sets me off. As always there he is to pick up my pieces and calm me down by telling me its all going to be okay. My Sunshine. 

The one thing I find more odd then anything, everything I complained about, the sore breasts, back hurting, foods I couldn't eat, the nausea all of it I miss. I must have complained every single day about how horrible I felt and how much I couldn't wait for my 9 months to be up so I could have my senses back. I regret all the complaining now. Again, I logically know my complaining didn't do this, my lack of activity because I was to tired. I know this isn't my fault but how can I honestly feel that I didn't do something wrong. 

Now I am still looking for a therapist and trying to decide if in a few months I want to try again. The likely hood of this happening again.... who knows? Honestly, no one knows really. Several members of my family have lost pregnancies and I am starting to think we should go through some testing to see that my genetics are all okay before we think of trying again. I know that there are no guarantees but if there is an answer I think I would like one.

Don't fear the question...

I just want to put it out there in the 'verse that if you have a question you are more then welcome to leave a comment and ask. I will attempt to answer it to the best of my ability no matter if its about the surgery/recovery or the medications they put me on, concerns I've had or emotional crap I wasn't just posting this blog to help me get through this I also wanted to leave this out there so people might have some sort of raw explanation of what happens. I am aware that I didn't explain every little detail of it but I tried to put out what I could.

Stop answering the question with a question.

So where were we. Something very disturbing happened to my body, something that told me something was wrong. Now its very gross so I won't be publicly explaining it to you, and for that one person wondering so desperately what it is or thinking it silly that I won't explains it because it may help someone else I have this to say; Those Doctors and Nurses told us at lest 8 different times what to watch for after the surgery, they explained what signs of infection were, what to worry about and what was fine. Those lovely people did not do any of those things to merely distract you and waste the time of all involved. They did not tell me over and over again because they thought it was fun and lastly, being paranoid has its advantages. Something they warned me could happen in fact did happen. Monday morning I called them, they promptly called me back and told me to come in that evening. 

The Doctor I saw that evening preformed surgery on me nearly ten years ago for an issue I will go into at a later post. We chatted, he remembered me, he was nicer then I remember. He gave me a very minor exam which was one of the most painful of my life, he agreed that I likely had an infection, gave me three scripts (antibiotic, pain and anti-anxiety) had them draw some blood and told me to call back on Wednesday (March 20th) for my results. 

I hate waiting for test results. I am not sure there is a person who actually enjoys the process but when you are trying to learn if there is something really wrong with you it seems to make the waiting worse. However day two of the antibiotic I was feeling less pain already and doing slightly better at work. We both made the right call and Wednesday was even better still. I was delighted at my ability to move not bringing on the most horrible pain. I still need pain medication to get through my whole work shift but I am not hobbling around when they ware off. So I called first thing Wednesday morning and waited so impatiently for a call back. By 4 pm I hadn't received one so I called and talked to the receptionist (like the automated voice told me to) and talked to the lovely nurse (whom I now talked to more often then any doctor) and she did not give me happy news, well it wasn't bad either it was more confused at the time. She told me my hormone levels were very high for having surgery over a week ago. She was going to talk to the doctor and call me back but if my levels were not dropping then I may need future surgery. 

That shattered my world, my emotional state had been (or so I thought) improving leaps and bounds with the help of this blog and an unhealthy amount of avoidance and denial. I walked circles in my living room near sobbing until my husband walked through the door which only brought on the sobbing. I was doing all I could to explain what she said and not break in his arms as I did so. My husband, as I am sure I have said, is the most loving and patient man when it comes to me. He calmed me down and kept reminding me that they didn't know. It helped for me to remember that I had never had blood work there prior to pregnancy so they had no clue what my normal level was. I am not sure if that came out from my husband or me between sobs. All I knew was that calm or crying I wanted nothing more in the world then for this all to be over. 

How the hell am I suppose to heal or even think of moving on or any of this is I have to keep going to the doctor about it. More needles, more pills, more waiting and agony. More emotional crap that is killing me. Of course I am terrified that this will hurt my marriage, I try so hard to be there for him and his needs but he just insists on being fine in front of me and supportive. I can still tell how this all effects him, the bitchy needy greedy pregnant women that he has to deal with at work are making him more angry then usual, I wonder if he desires to tell them to shut up and tell them how lucky they truly are because he gets to go home to a wife who lost their child. He has to be her rock as she tries not to fall apart. I wonder if he falls apart when I'm not there, even just a little, in his own way. I just hope that he doesn't keep this all bottled in, I hope that he is handling it in the only way he can and I hope that I am not a burden to him and making it harder. My husband is my world. 

I want to tell you one thing, right now I can't tell you why I was angry at him a month ago, six months ago, a year ago. It is amazing the perspective that has changed so dramatically. We have fought, most of it stupid, a lot about money because that is what couples do. Recently the only problem is one of us snapping at the other because we are very emotionally raw at the same time but we always apologize later and both understand why it happens and we don't hold on to it. It is horrible to say but I wish something had given me this perspective earlier in life, even if it was just to my husband. There are a million things that seem so stupid now and I never want to worry about them again. I hope more then anything else that this stays for both of us. We have struggled so much since we started dating that I hope we hold onto this one gift we've gotten from this horrible event. We still have each other and stupid shit doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, he matters, we matter.

I almost forgot something. Tuesday night I finally called my mother in law. I haven't spoken to her since I found out I was pregnant. Let me find you some context. I talk to her at lest once a month, well I try, sometimes more. I love my in laws, my husband has wonderful parents and I am blessed. I was convinced she was not thrilled when we started dating but she never said anything to my husband if she was (or he swore she never did) she works in the medical field and we both have a lot of medical issues. Her problems by far out weigh mine but she listens to me complain. I'd whoop ass for that lady. Anyway she was very sweet, she said she was worried but was waiting for me to call her and she knew I would when I was ready. I was finally ready, I didn't call her right away because talking to her would hurt, she cried when she found out I was pregnant and my husband cried when he told her I wasn't. She was nice enough to tell the rest of the family for us on the later. She wants grandkids as much as my husband wants kids but both of them are understanding enough to not push. They both have told me that if I decide I can't do it again then that is my decision. She caught me up on all the family stuff, her work and health. She listened to me and was supportive in a way I appreciate. She talked to me about how the doctor was right it was probably for the best but she knew that doesn't make it better. I see so much of her in my husband, she is such a blessing. His whole family is. I really couldn't have asked for better.

Lastly, earlier that Tuesday I got the best therapy of all. A friend from work send us boxes of cookies and chocolates in the mail. I cried because sometimes its all about knowing there is someone out there thinking of  you and wanting to try to make your day better if even just a small amount. She is amazing as a friend and when I thanked her in person she told me she didn't know what to say to me and I told her that what she said was perfect and exactly what I needed. In her own words she said, 'This sucks here's some chocolate' and sometimes that is all you need right?

Is that your final answer?

'Oh God, I'm so sorry.' It is the most common thing people say to us now, followed by 'I can't imagine what you are going through.' And their right, they can't. I couldn't, I could have never imagined this. I want to take back every time I have ever said to someone, I can imagine what you're going through, because so very honestly I can't. Even if you and I went through the same exact thing it would never be the same. How I respond, how I feel, how I rationalize, those are all my reactions and you may not feel the same so to say I can't imagine what you are going through is false because I can't. I cannot imagine how it is for a close friend of mine who fractured her foot. Her fracture is identical to the one I had but her pain is not the same, her reaction is not the same, her burden is different. So similar and so very different. So if you know me and I have ever said to you, I can imagine what you're going through then please accept my most humble apology because I now realize that I cannot.

Saturday my roommate took me out for a out of the house test run. He treated me to a haircut, I told the nice lady that I needed something different so she gave me a type of bob that after some getting use to I love it, it has to be the shortest my hair has been in at lest ten years if not longer. With something so tragic happening I wanted normal but I wanted vastly different. She used moose and everything, things I have decided that I will learn how to use because that looks a hell of a lot better then what it normally looks like. It was pleasant and needed. We went to the food store after and my ambition got the better of me to much walking proved to be painful and exhausting, I was anxious to leave and found myself short of temper with the clerk so I took my leave to sit and wait for my roommate to finish with him so we could go home and I back to my couch. 

I was still in a lot of pain but I don't get paid if I don't go back to work so I went back on Sunday. Less then a week from my surgery but I didn't really have a choice, we (barely) live paycheck to paycheck and I just lost an entire weeks pay and it is going to hurt but we will get through it like we always do, those are my husbands words not mine, but he is always right about that. Sunday came quick and early, I wake at 6 am to be at work before 7:30. Every morning I clock in, I put my stuff away in my locker, I take my coffee to my office and I turn on my music and I would dive into the first half of my job. I could not walk at the determined pace I was use to, I had my coffee but did not down is as quickly as I normally did, it took much longer to do anything including collect my thoughts and for the first time in a very long time my office was silent. 

Music to is lifeblood to me, I have loved it since I was a child and my Father played Black Sabbath, Kansas, Journey, George Thorogood, Foghat, Janis Joplin.... I am sure you get the picture. My Mother had her hand in it as well, she played me the Monkees, Disco Duck and classical music. Some I knew once said, Music is what Emotions sound like. It is one of the truest things I have ever heard. So for me to not listen to music is to tell all around me that I am without even a sliver of joy. Music is my hope and joy and I wanted none of it because it all made me even more sorrowful then I already was.

One of my bosses asked me how I was holding up and I could only respond that I wasn't at all, he wasn't surprised and I felt reassured by that. My job (I work retail) drags me all through out my store and commands much of my mind as it does my body. I am proud of my job and my work. I enjoy what I do, it allows me to lead and follow where I am comfortable. So I was unhappy that I cannot wear proper dress code because I cannot wear any pants that put pressure on my pelvic area. I cannot move fast enough to assist customers. I cannot preform my tasks in a timely manner and I need help with so much. Worst of all I could not manage a full five hour shift which is all I work. I had to leave 45 minuets early because I was in so much pain that sitting was caused gasps and whimpers and the pain medication wasn't curbing the pain enough.

I felt ashamed leaving which I am sure some find odd, I am still healing and should probably not be at work in the first place. This was the first hint that something was still wrong, it has been nearly a week and my pain was still very intense. Sunday night something very gross and very painful happened proving my point and that I most likely had a post operation infection. 

When it rains it pours.

I have a question

So how do you go about not feeling punished in all of this? How do you go through this not feeling at fault? Here is the answer, there isn't. No matter what I do, think, say or read in the end it feels like there has to be something I could have done. Sometimes I wonder if my husband feels the same or if he simply feels cheated or slighted. I know someone will want to give me a line like, 'Oh well that's life!' forgive me but screw you. If you don't know how this feels and I pray you don't, that is not an acceptable answer. We ask why for so many things but for once I'd like a damned answer.

A very nice girl wheeled me out of the hospital after my husband helped me get dressed. I would like to insert a joke about him being as good putting my bra on as taking it off but my mind isn't there yet. The girl whom wheeled me out told me she was a volunteer from a local high school. She was sweet and wheeled me all the way out to the car where my adoring husband helped me into the car. He picked up my medication and whisked me off to a lovely couch where I stayed all night. 

I was in agony, he tracked when I could take my pills, got me anything I asked for which was mostly applesauce, milk, pain pills and assistance going to the bathroom. The first time I could get down but he had to help me get back up, that was pretty embarrassing, even if he is my husband. Like always he was amazing, he took the best care of me possible. He told me everything was going to be ok and I wished I could believe him but hard to see the forest from the trees. I don't feel like I'm going to be ok. I've spent a week wondering if I can even handle trying to get pregnant again, what if this happens again? What if I can't get pregnant again and that was my chance? What if I can never make my husband a father? Something he wants more then anything in the world......

The doctor called me the first night and seemed surprised that I was in so much pain. I took my anti-anxiety pills and tried to sleep but mostly I just have nightmares. I don't want to talk about those right now. I woke up and the next day was the same, I lay on the couch and husband and roommate take care of me. Wednesday was more of the same, husband came home early after his first day back to work. Either Tuesday or Wednesday is when he helped me take my first bath which was more embarrassing then needing help off the toilet. I even told him I was embarrassed, he told me I was silly. I understand its silly but needing someone else that much is more then I have ever dealt with and as much as I love that my husband will always be there for me and help me needing him to help me wash my hair (I am aware that is minor compared) on top of everything it was still much. He did do a very good job on my hair.

The pain brought on the constant reminder of what had happened. I was going to be a mother and then I wasn't. Husband works for a baby story and brought me home a free bib that says Babies First Christmas. My roommate did something with it as well as taking care of the two positive pregnancy tests I saved (I have an amazing roommate). Worse is my husband has to go to work and see all of these babies things and I am sure it was easier when I wasn't getting pregnant but he has to walk past the cribs I liked, the bath I asked about, the stroller he wanted. These are no longer products that he sells, they were items his child was going to sleep in, play with. Can you imagine being in his shoes because I can't, I can't and be as supportive and strong as him. I would crumble and break. 

You are amazing and I love you my heart.

Can you rephrase that in the form of a question?

I don't think I connect with people very well. I don't think anyone besides my husband can read when I am upset, hurt or lost. I have friends, I am pretty sure they don't realize when I am in need of them unless I outright state it, when I do they for the most post seem taken so far back by the statement no one responds. As if they are shocked I need anyone.

My surgery was terrifying. We arrived at the hospital around 8 am, we registered with a nice overworked woman and they took us back rather quickly. My husband helped me undress and gather my clothes, he sat with me the whole time, held my hand, watched tv with me, chatted about none sense. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, I cannot say that to anyone, including him and I don't even think he realizes all he does for me. I know they say no one should be your world but I would be a mess without him. He is my glue, my rock, my sun and stars (if anyone gets the reference).

Anyway, two very nice ladies came into the room and asked us a lot of questions, took my vitals, put the iv in the back of my hand since I am a very hard stick (I still have a painful bruise) and all of the things pre-op nurses are suppose to do. They were hilarious and I loved talking to them, they were a fabulous distraction as to the reason I was there. However it was never long until a new person came in, looked at my chat and apologized for my lose. Those words are a sobering reminder. My lose, our lose. You quickly forget that words can break your heart all over again.

The head of anesthesia came in, this was my second surgery with him but I am sure I will talk about that in another post. He was a polite gentlemen, upbeat and caring. He even suggested what I should have done medication wise. He was another fine distraction for the moment but he soon left the room too. I did have one tool with me, Boo. Who is boo you ask? Boo is a stuffed blue penguin with a hat and scarf on. I bought him for husband several years ago when he was sick, I have since stole him and sleep with him most nights now. I take boo with me every time they put me under so I have something with me.

They gave me something to make me happy and wheeled me away, I think it hurt leaving my husband the most at that point. They took me into the OR and injected me again I was out.

I woke up in recovery, I was confused and I was in pain and I cried. I didn't cry because of any of those things, I cried because of my lose. Because something was taken from me in so many ways and there wasn't a thing I could do to fix it. Because again I was in a situation I couldn't control. I just kept asking for my husband and eventually they took me to another recovery room where I could see him. He told me I was in recovery for over an hour and my surgery only took about 20 mins. I was in pain and very thirsty so I got some applesauce and ginger ale followed by the first of my pain medication. The doctor checked on me, she told hubby what to watch for. He spent most of his time talking to me, hoping to cover up the conversation our new nurse was having with my mother.

This was the first dose I was going to get of people thinking before speaking in front of us. They were talking about children, hubby had to deal with it in the waiting room and I felt horrible for him but now I felt slightly betrayed. Changing a persons thinking wouldn't change but here I was and it was something I was going to have to learn to deal with. 

We would have to deal with people talking about pregnancies and babies and children, the very thing that was just taken away from us, and for all I know it was never going to happen again.

I don't understand the question

On Monday I had a D&C Surgery. No I won't explain it to you but I will give you a moment to click on the link and read it. 

Go ahead, I'll wait

I know its a long read but it is full of information and I thank you for taking the time to read it.

Now I could easily assume that anyone reading this will automatically know what happened but in the far off chance that you have stumbled upon this small entry of an unknown blog I will give some background pertaining to my situation so you understand. 

I am married over a year to the most wonderful man and I don't just say that perchance he reads this. I live in a two bedroom apartment with him and my best friend Andy. I have had reproductive problems for about 10 years now along with other medical issues. I am, at the moment, 31 but only for a few more months. I am part time employed in an hourly wage position, I also run Laughing Maidens and write.  

One month ago my husband and I were celebrating something we didn't think could possibly happen. We made plans and as usual he was grounded and my head was in the clouds of happiness and terror. I cannot explain the terror if you have personally never felt it but it is akin to going into your first day at school and sitting in your first class, having a huge test on the ancient history of japan leading up to today, in Japanese ( read and write ) and you can barely spell sushi correctly, oh and if you don't ace this test you will be expelled from school and never amount to anything. That is about half of the terror I felt but there was a lot of joy and that I couldn't explain if I tried not that I want to. If you have ever had a child you so truly wanted then you know it already.

We will skip ahead to March 8th which is easily a day I won't forget. A day I felt something I hadn't felt since my father passed away when I was 22. 

At about 9 weeks we had our first ultrasound. All I wanted was to hear the heartbeat, nothing would have made it more real for me in that moment but I was wrong. The tech did some pictures and sent the doctor in. She was more friendly but not very warm but none of that mattered. She dug in deep and on the little screen to my left pointed out the head. I cried, I didn't know what else to do. It was real, it was really real and right in front of me and I could see it there. My baby, I did that, we did that. It was less the a minuet later when she turned on the heartbeat monitor and tried so hard to find something that wasn't there. The baby passed away, no more then a day maybe two. 

I cannot tell you how that feels and I hope you never find out.

She left and I wanted so much, so more then anything for my husband to tell me she could be wrong but that is not what he said. I really don't remember very much from there, the doctor came back in and told us to go up to our doctors office, he took me up there and I nearly crumbled... no I think I did crumble in the hallway back to her office to talk. An ob/gyn in the office, not mine, explained so many times that it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong. Everyone has been telling me that and I don't believe a single one of them. Rationally I know different but there is nothing rational about this. She asked if I had any questions and all I wanted to do was go home. So I asked he what now. She explained the steps, I had to get my blood taken in case of hemorrhaging. She asked if I wanted this to be done in the office or I wanted to be put under in the OR room. I chose the OR, I had to there is no way I would have made it if I were awake, expense be damned something inside of me would have broke. My husband sat through everything, talking, asking, understanding, planning. This was Friday, I was going in on Monday. She even said the it would have been excruciating to do this naturally and inhuman since it could have taken a week or more. 

Now I am sure some of you are sitting there asking me why am I putting myself through this, why in the hell am I recounting every single detail publicly when I claim this to be so painful. It is painful, most of this is through tears and something inside of me has been breaking for days. However type it or not please do not mistake one very important thing, I have replayed this event, in my head, every single day. I can tell you what pocket her cell phone was in, I can describe the courtyard outside the window and the picture to my left in the office. I can tell you how full their waiting room was, I can point out the nurse who took my blood and tell you the story she told me. I can tell you all of these things and anyone will tell you I have the worst memory, I can't remember phone numbers, birthdays, addresses, this I can tell you everything. So with or without you reading this, all of this would still happen.

We went to have my blood drawn, he called his mother and I knew he did before he even told me because I could see it in his face. My wonderful gentle giant of a husband never shows much emotion in front of people, he had cried and this warmed and broke my heart at the same time. A miserable thing to say I am sure, he always puts on such a strong face for me and braves whatever we go through, he is so literally my rock that I was happy his Mom could do what a Mom is suppose to do and let him be broken and hurt if just for a moment. 

Trying to keep on a brave face didn't work, the nurse taking my blood informed me she was diagnosed with cancer just this past December and I would get through what ever I was going through. I felt horrible for her and I knew then, and know now, that it could be much worse. Actually people can't stop expressing that to me and I have a response that I have kept politely to myself.

We know. I promise you all we know it could be worse and we know it will eventually get better but for the love of deity back off. Telling us this daily will not make it better time will, I understand that everyone is trying to show their support but this is really the lest supportive thing you can say right now. Also the next person who says we should start moving on may be written off. Its incredibly insensitive, it hasn't even been a week since my surgery. Give us hugs, tell us you love us or even that you understand but I implore you to stop trying to make us feel better, you are only making us feel worse. We will move on from this at our pace and if a year from now I am not in therapy and crumbling all over you then pipe up but for now enough.

Now that I have that off my chest. If I've offended you I honestly don't care. That came from a place of me needed to heal and not a place of me trying to feel better for your sake.

A friend came over on Saturday with ice cream and we talked, we talked about all of the dumbest things I could think of, anything besides the one thing I couldn't stop thinking of. I tried to hide some of the anger that I felt, I carried it for three days knowing that there was nothing I could do and that created a rage in me that I had not felt in a very long time nor something I wanted to feel again.

I tried to tell people without telling people, I tried to explain without saying the most painful words that would come out of my mouth for years to come. I lost the baby, the baby passed away. Even know it instantly numbs me when I talk about it, I can feel my body and brain shut down. 

I am doing this because I have to, I don't know why I have to but I do. So I will leave it there for now. My first day back to work starts in 6 hours and even if I feel I will never have another unmediated night of rest again I must try.