Friday morning came, we went to the hospital and had my blood taken as early as we could, I took a look at the order and she must have written STAT on there at lest 5 times. (Which is just a fancy Latin way, from the word Statim, of staying immediately) He took me for coffee and pastries and we went home to wait. We tried to take a nap, waking up that early and rushing around takes a toll on your day off from work. My nap didn't last long, I was woken up by a phone call of bad news and money that I didn't have. Nothing to terrible just another bill and bit of stress to add onto the already stressed day I was having. Not going back to sleep I sat in the living room playing Pinball games on our Xbox 360 until my husband woke up and then merely watched TV with him. I took several anxiety pills through out the day just to keep myself calm enough to make it till after 4 pm.
Finally after 4 arrived and after waiting on hold seemingly forever they came on the phone and told me that my levels had dropped by 200 points since Monday and that was good news. I want to say a weight was lifted off me at this wonderful news but it wasn't. It was indeed good news that I won't need more surgery but I knew this still wasn't over. This news wasn't going to make everything magically okay, it was just taking one stressful thing from an already screwed situation. I expressed some concern at some feelings I was have with the surgical area, the Doctor called me back and reminded me that there could still be swelling and such from the surgery but it was nothing to worry about and if it continued I should come in for an exam. She was right so I calmed down and after a few days that feeling went away. As well I still am going back in mid April for a checkup and conversation.
I haven't talked to a doctor since. I still have a bruise in my arm from the last time they drew blood. I am moving a lot better then I was but I am not perfect yet. I actually tried to hard to clean my living room one day and put myself in a lot of pain that took two days to recover. I remembered baby steps because I didn't just put myself in pain I brought on all of the memories of why I was in pain. Of course this happened the first weekend my husband was away so I was pretty much on my own. I broke myself for a night, mentally and physically. I recalled every single moment in my head as I did here but I did it far more quickly. So after I cleaned as much as I could I sat in my bathroom and cried, I'm really not sure how long I was in there, I left the lights off and pressed my head against the tile and cried. After awhile I convinced myself to get up, eat something, take my medication and come on here and write something and after a few moments that is exactly what I convinced myself to do. I had applesauce for dinner, I took two generic prescription pain pills and I laid in bed with my laptop typing.
I still can't sleep without medication and the panic attacks are not under control like I wish they were. Even a feeling of being pushed or overwhelmed ever so slightly sets me off. As always there he is to pick up my pieces and calm me down by telling me its all going to be okay. My Sunshine.
The one thing I find more odd then anything, everything I complained about, the sore breasts, back hurting, foods I couldn't eat, the nausea all of it I miss. I must have complained every single day about how horrible I felt and how much I couldn't wait for my 9 months to be up so I could have my senses back. I regret all the complaining now. Again, I logically know my complaining didn't do this, my lack of activity because I was to tired. I know this isn't my fault but how can I honestly feel that I didn't do something wrong.
Now I am still looking for a therapist and trying to decide if in a few months I want to try again. The likely hood of this happening again.... who knows? Honestly, no one knows really. Several members of my family have lost pregnancies and I am starting to think we should go through some testing to see that my genetics are all okay before we think of trying again. I know that there are no guarantees but if there is an answer I think I would like one.
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