So I would like to say there is a lot behind me, an in essence there is a great deal that is behind me in that as long as nothing else goes wrong with further testing. I am finally recovering nicely tho it appears to be more physical then emotional. Right now I appear to be dealing with a combination of anger, sadness and fear. All of them I am sure are perfectly normal emotions to have after dealing with this situation but they are still emotions I don't want to deal with at all, specially the anger.
Anger has always been an issue for me when I was younger, I never learned how to properly deal with my anger and instead of handling it I would let it lash out at people and lose friendships because of it. One day I decided that I just didn't want to be this person anymore so I learned to meditate, I took some control tools from past therapist, I learned to let go of it when I felt it bubbling up. Walking away also helps. During my pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant, I got so made at a person that I was yelling and screaming over the phone as well as shaking like a leaf and crying horribly afterwords. Once I knew about the pregnancy I understood how my anger got so out of control so quickly very far from where I could reel it back in. My husband was so extremely patient about my outbursts and didn't take anything personally, He was just perfect about all of it. Now I feel that I should have my control back but I don't.
When I'm out and about and I see a pregnant woman, a child running around, walk past baby products I find myself more sad then anything else, that is when I most truly feel a sense of lose because it is right there in front of me. Babies break my heart.
When I am watching television and see a baby commercial, or one of my favorite colors brings their baby on screen or finds out they are pregnant I tear up for sadness and anger. I also feel a lot of anger when I hear about someone having their fifth child, or some person whom the state has taken another child away from due to their habits. Even baby commercials will fill me with a sense of anger. Why them, why not me, and even not me why him. If you have ever seen him with children you would understand. He is amazing with kids in a way that I am so envious of.
The fear comes when I think about trying again. I don't want to go through this and I don't want to put him through this again. They said just because it happened this once doesn't mean it will happen again but they don't know. As I am sure I've stated before my family hasn't had the best history and luck. There are days when I think this would be a good idea and then there are days when I think it might break me completely and the biggest fear of all is that as strong as we are we won't make it through this again. If I break worse then its unfair to ask him to pick up all of my pieces and put me back together.
So there it is, anger, fear, sadness and of course love. I am counting all the blessing I have. I am thankful but some days your blessing are a shelter and some days they are a flimsy umbrella against an oncoming storm. I hope this monsoon passes quickly.
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